Reality?

One of my first memories in life was a fantasy I often played out over and over again in my head. I remember thinking that I was really lying in a hospital bed somewhere in a coma and the life I was living was just a vivid dream I was having while I laid there. I would often wonder if the family I have was even the real family I should have. Or if my real family was sitting around my bed watching me and hoping I would wake up, as I dreamed of some fake life with some fake family. I also deeply believed that my family, and friends and everyone in the world knew what was really happening and I was the only one who didn't. I believed that they were all just playing their part as cast actors in the role of my life. Then one day I saw the movie with Jim Carry called the Truman Show. Though it is not exactly like my fantasy it hit a close cord to what I had played over and over again in my head since I was a little girl. It made me feel not so crazy and maybe my fantasy is really happening. The movie was just a sign from those who are trying to protect me thats it's ok for me to know the truth.

Sometimes this fantasy would take on a more religious tone but still be similar. Sometimes it was my turn on Earth to be tested by God. Everyone in the world was aware of the truth and that it's my turn for the test. They all played their parts and lead me through this life like a puppet. Everyone in the world was very aware of all my thoughts and feelings. Because of this they are all constantly watching me and judging me.

These fantasies started when I was very very small. Like 3 or 4 at the oldest. It's something that I still think about to this day. At times I get so wrapped up in the fantasy that its hard to seperate out reality from the dream. I'm never quite sure if the dream is really just my subconsciousness telling me the truth and giving me hints on how to act around people who might interfere or judge me to harshly.